Life.

I couldn't find a more suitable title. Something to describe my current state of mind and my thirst for more knowledge. I walked into the media center to catch up on some work( which at this moment I should be doing); something or someone tell me why I'm not.. Anywho I saw something about Beyonce that caught my eye; of course I love her why not. Thus; I read about her situation about postponing concerts due to strict religious laws forced over there in Malaysia. It makes me wonder, some people are a product of their enviroment. America is a really great place; sometimes people act like it's not but man it's really wonderful. I really dont have alife of poverty but my undying need to care and give help to those who suffer will never STOP! I'm at a crossrods with myself; but I'll just pray that thee almighty god will make things better. He Will! These countrys suck man. But on another note, i read about muslim life & thee quran. Wtf; it's so freaking complex. Funny thing is it's all in vain( so says my mother); I mean it is. But do we all really know why were here? Of course god put us here; but come on.. To sit and to think and meditate upon things is enough to make one go wild. My mind is going crazy.. I'll finish this later

Wishing and Waiting.

In life I dont normally ask for much at all. I never really ask, I kind of never was the type to ask. Especially in my household, my mother usually has to bombard me with questions and sometimes forcefully hold me and ask me what I need. I usually go for it myself ; and if its offered I take it.

So Recently I moved back to Philadelphia; and honest to god. I'm kind of 50/50 about it. I mean theirs a whole stress thing taken off my shoulder. My sister, even though she's a grown woman. Sometimes wasnt able to feel validated or able to make a decision without the consult of my mother. Something as tedious as washing clothes shouldnt worry me but yet I spent my jr years wondering how I was going to wash my cheerleading uniform. I knew she worked constantly to make ends meet, but it was up to me to handle mines. Slowly I did, by saving my money just to run downstairs and wash my clothes. Yeah; I didnt like it because I preferred my mother and fathers washing machine. haha; gets the job done but anywho. Being in jersey, if I could change one thing, it would be the fact that my sister really didnt grow up when she made the decision to move. She got married way too fast; pregnant fast and things changed. I mean I love her to death, dont get me wrong but she sometimes got angry at me for asking for the basic neccesities.
but in the end it was a good experiece.
Me and friends; god. i usually had 1 good friend in school. No Bestfriend and coming to jersey: I made some friendships that'll i hold to the grave.
The School opened a window of oppurtunity for me and gave me the resources to express myself; academically and artistically. Sometimes I did poorly though but you live and learn; and I kind of learned.

I finally wasn't asking myself anymore and realized I was doing things that I loved since I was little. haha;

But now I'm back in philadelphia and god the resources are awful. My mother prevents me from going out; so that means no theatre , no cheerleading, no chance to tumble, and no chance for a relationship.
I constantly face so many obstacles living here; I learned to start asking again only to be shot down. I dont ask for outlandish stuff; I ask for things that would better me as a person.

Okay; so I'm getting tired. I'll post a part two with more in-depth look at me.
maybe i'll cover my goals; my dreams(nocturnal & and my fairy tale like ones), my self esteem and romance.Deff.
Night; stay blessed.

Smash into you.

I need my ipod.
The bad thing is that all my clothes ; and or prized possessions are in jersey.
Thus my ipod cord is there. Moving is tough.
God ; you.
I feel alittle weird after yesterday night; those text's.
who knows ; i'm off.
gotta go back to jersey to get the rest of my stuff.

Ave Maria.

She was lost.....just like him. Him. He's always lost ; and had many people to guide him.
First and Foremost ; the song will not describe this blog; i just love singing thee high notes at the end. A more crazy song would be suitable for this.

I'll start right here ;
So i received 11 messages from you; spewing your hate-flame this way. I have tough skin when it comes to dickheads; I usually blow them off.
You've stood by me and let me talk shit on you for no reason. To you it might've seem like no reason. to me it was only suitable. So what you read bulletins;blogs;updates. Congrat's, i'll bake you some cookies. Didnt know you could read with all those tears in your eyes.
I constantly trash you over the dumbest stuff ; maybe. Not Really! Everything I did had a purpose. You did nothing to try and maintain a friendship. Your way of thinking is so "serial-killer esque". Honestly ; I didnt do it or they deserved it. Dumbass.
Hey ; i applaud you for trying tell people off when they talked about me. I would never throw that in your face ; friends dont. If it was real ; you would've never. You probably laughed; and then defended me. Idc though. It probably was girls.
I wish you could see what I see. Your just a big lanky flirt who goes to the one girl who treats you like poo. When problems not concerning her arise ; I'll tend to them. I did everyother time. So excuse the hell out of me for not caring about what "some leech" did you. I'm glad i affected your life good and bad. Right now ;I only care about the bad, that's the vindictive side.
egh; so you think me for always being there. Mhm.
An occasional text message would suffice ; never got that.
I was always there ; always! My friendship was with your voicemail.
Idk wht the fck you were supposed to do either.
I dont like you anymore; i got over that a long long time ago.
If this friendship is real and true ; then why dont i get credit.
We never hung out. You're a straight male, but do all the girls gotta get credit.
Is it because you like every single one. or maybe your a sexist discriminant.
yeah ; when you depressed i feel good. this way i know your human.
Okay ; so maybe you looked completely stupid.
this wasnt a real friendship ; we could go days without texting each other ; and occasional call.
I expected so much from you ; that from one point. When I realized it would never be ; i snapped.
Usually my love turns into anger ; ask my mother. She experienced it 1st hand.
and a whole host of best friends. Cant help it.
what you may see as something that was never mean to intentionally hurt me ; hurt me.
They all got more attention ; and i got none.
here's your space to justify that claim :______________________________________.
Knock yourself out. I cant wait to hear some bullshitty excuse.
You constantly fed me bullshit ; and i dont want to wait around for it to stink anymore.

at this point i'm speechless.
I'm not saying sorry.
idk what to say.

you.

I know I promised you a blog.
not tonight.
I'm way to tired to fight with you.
maybe I'll rip you a new one tommorow.
goodnight.
p.s. Fuck you Still asshole.

Diligence

I've been so diligent lately. Staying true to my goals ; not losing sight of the goals.
I've been facing some inner conflicts lately. thus it's time I let them loose.
let's start with my current situation.
I had to move back to philadelphia ; the city of no oppurtunity's. Back to my mother's house; where she doesnt support anything of the arts. nothing ; she hates it. So thus I have to suffer. Everything I worked hard for; is and was washed down the drain. I hate it; but I gotta stop crying.

To the naive part of me; I should've known that movving in with you would've been a waste of my time. i rather not know the good times that I experienced ; than to go through this withdrawl. I can't take it at all. I've been through so much ; and again i have to face feeling like a freshman 3times in a row.

to you ; the woman who handles my everything. I cannot believe how much you've changed since I been gone. I should you see why I cannot stand you. you dont support anything Ido ; you are so judgemental. You make me feel so uninspired to do anything. You want to me to get a wack job; doing something that will make you and god happy. I'm pretty sure he wants me to be happy. I cant take you. I do not want to live here with you at all. You make me really sick ; I can see this whole experience becoming something I dont want to be apart of. So I'll distance myself.
I think it's safe to say ; I strongly dislike you right now.

to M.P.S ; fck you. You're a child of your enviroment. It's so unhealthy. You don't feel sane unless theirs so drama started ; and made at her ; her ; or her. Whatever.
Word tothe wise ; everytime your depressed; it makes me feel really good.

to T.J.R ; you're the bestest friend; i ever had. it's just sometimes. I dont like what you become ; if were bestfriends; why do others come before me. Why? guess it wasnt what I expected.

I've been let down in the past 2 weeks ; I've had a few highlights. I havent accomplished somethings; i should've. But whatever. I eventually get to some of those things. that a teenager should.

I like pushing the envelope ; so if i sent a dumb message or too. I probably was kidding.

On other notes ; I dont know whats in store for the future. me living here; isn't probably the best thing. I know it's not ; i hate philly so much.
Honest to god. I dont believe anything anybody says. iLOST so much ; i'll gain nothing.
I'm really confused right now ; who knows.
i would type so more ; but gotta get used to the new rules. bed by 12. moms a bitch.
shedisgustes me.

i gotta cry and eat a bagel. bye

It hurts to smile.

With this blog ;i have no purpose. Here I am 9:20 sitting in guidance ; waiting to start my english final. I am currently carrying so much on my back; i feel like I was punished by greek gods. Surely ; i havent commited acrime. Why must I be punished?
Things are more than stressful ; their dissapointing & make me not want to have any drive. I just cant wait to go see Beyonce on the 26th.

I'm off gotta take my english final.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

One of my favorite songs is "Dreaming with A Broken Heart by John Mayer". I fell in love with it last summer , around jUne. I started to watch So YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and mia michaels choreographed a routine, and from there I fell in love with the song. The routine spoke to me in so many ways. If I was as advanced as ij or matt, i would post the video here butI'm not.

This brings me to today's topic. Heartbreak. I've been the frontman for this so many times. I've always wanted something, and never got it. Usually I let these things go and they never come back. but this thing did, and it brung me tons of heartache. haha; reminds me of a song Heather headley "in my mind". In my mind things are always perfect, sometimes they revolve around me, but when it does revolve around me, it benifits other people.

but anywho back to Dreaming with a broken heart, I dont even know the significance of the song, I'll be sure to ask mr.roddy to explain it to me.
Our situation is so confusing, it's been like a 2year crush haha. We've been through so much, and talking to you yesterday didnt make things anybetter. It felt like the minute I pressed send, a giant bus hit me. I was overcome with so many emotions. Maybe I'm Bi-polar, naaa, just in fcking lust. Lust could be a bit overboard, maybe idk. The most confusing part is that you know, and yet you play dumb. I ask you why do you play dumb, and you say "you called me dumb, so I'm dumb". Whatever this shit is so confusing.

Maybe i'll go fall asleep with roses in my hand.

Decisions

In this life you are presented with many opportunities to make some decisions.
Some of us make good ones and some of us make bad ones. It's up to you to think about the consequences or the way you feel after somethings happen. You dont even want to happen.
I cant change the past , only can change the future.
I'm not a disrespectful person, i just dont like being hushed or going along with the flow of things.. Dont get me wrong ; I close my mouth sometimes actually alot.
It's been a few years since since I've actually opened my mouth. I'm a nice respectful person, but I find myself starting to speak my mind. Mainly because when i'm muted ; I suffer alot.
When I speak my mind, the fact that I'm a child hurts me. I think that is totally bull, everyone in this world is entitled to an opinion. Wtf?! G0sh.
But I wont let it stop me. Haha.
I'm really bored right now.
I havent been anywhere in a long time ; and I havent partied, been to the movies or anything.
I'm dying to get out but okay. The time will come. I hope.
I'm excited about working at Clementon park this summer, mainly because I'm getting paid and its fun meeting new people.
Back to Decisions though ; Somepeople make really bigs one and thus fail to realize how it CHANGED THEM AS A PERSON. I'm thinking 100%. But whatever, haha.
I'll probably be blogging tonight. Seeing as though Ill be ultra bored. Haha.

I'm in 5th period.

I should be doing number 2, but whatever. Todays a really long day for me. I want to go home and cry. My stomach hurts & I feel really stupid. This class is annoying the hell out of me. I'm really glad I dont have gym btw, fuck gym. I'm going home right after school hopefully & laying my ass down. Wtf.. i'm tired of going to philly all the time, but whatever i need a haircut so i need to go. i'm so done,ugh... home..sleepp... food.

Acid Reflux.

I wish my perscription of Acid reflux medicine didnt expire. On something serious, this shit is annoying. I'm tired of my chest feeling like I just ate sandpaper & battery acid. pshh.
I dont know how many times Miss Congeniality came on tv, but I watch it everytime.
Oh btw I'm listening to "My Moon, My man" by Feist.
On my old Ipod, before it got lost. I used to have a playlist filled with "I hate you songs". Whew I miss those days.
My 3rd marking period grades are horrible, but theres nothing I can do but continue to work my ass of in the 4th marking period.

Sometimes I wish I could get the hint. This may sound stupid, and maybe totally dumb, but whatever. I try everyday to not be the one in the negative spotlight. I dont try and walk around and be the golden boy. I just want to be remembereable(spell check). I dont want everyone in my business, nor do I want to feel like everyone else. I found out today that I became a statistic , falling in a category with 5 or 6 other people. Wtf, everything I strive for, when down the fucking drain. My best friend Shawn and I had a good conversation last night. He pretty much let me have it , he told me that I'm naive, fall for the wrong one & have the worst luck ever.lol We came to a conclusion, that maybe I should stop overthinking things so much, and happen to enjoy life the way it is.
I nap everyday when I come home from school, like faithfully. Maybe I shouldnt though, I usually wake up at like 7 or 8. Get up dance, eat, talk on the phone, homework & stretch. Stretching for me , welp Yoga, is amazingggg.. Gosh it centers me. Allows me to think things out, and enter them with a clear mind. Sometimes in the middle of class, I want to break out in downward facing dog, god. Especially hanfords class or spanish 2. wtf? and oh now I didnt fail, My first time having spanish was last year.

Also maybe I should get the hint, that when I text somebody and they dont text me back. I should text anymore. Welp with my one friend, I constantly call, trying to keep our friendship alive. After 7th period today, I realized it wasnt a healthy relationship. That person will call back saying whats up, can i see you blazayy blahh... whatever not anymore.
Oh yeah sometimes I dont get the hint & continue to fall on my face everytime. but whateva.
I lost my train of thought , cause the food is ready.
adios.

Perfect Dayy.

What a day today. It's been really good. I've seen my friends that I didnt seen in a week today. Didn't get to hang out, that sucks but whatever. I got my summer job, thus I'm really excited about that. I had a slushee from Bj's & and a sandwich from Church's Chicken. Pretty good for my first time. I'm still bumping solanges cover of "viva la vida".. So yeah. My day is excellent seriously, It's sunny. Not to mention my room was hot as hell, wtf? is was baking lmao. But whatever, got that central air. Lmao. I'm just waiting for school to be over, fck school.Lmao. I'm anticipating summer because I have something to look forward too. Whoo-hoo. This summer is mines,lol.

I'll probably blog later on tonight, because right nw, i'm gonna look for food, maybe I'll get a bowl of special k, dance to Beyonce, play street fighter, beat super mario galaxy, and phone.. check back though. = )

btw I'm probably be blogging about Beyonce later.

Pass me Bye.

i'm speechless. i'm really lackluster right now. talk to me?

Give me another week.

I enjoyed this break so much. I did things on my time.
I dont want to go back to school because I have to face the pressures of life again.egh.

Solange

is really a innovator, she covered the amazing track "Viva la Vida", I cant wait to i get a mp3 copy. I'm bumping it 24/7. She's amazing <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APgeBmmzHvA&feature=related

Best Day Ever

My mother and I had the best day ever.
Omgosh. I miss hanging out like this.
You guys dont understand.man this made my day.

Enlightned

Damn kid got some balls. Despite what I'm feeling, I must admit that it's the answer i'm looking. Matt's blog,well the part I did read was very insightful, i felt the stuff to vilmary was personal, thus i didnt read but nonetheless it provided me with thee answer I've been looking for all along. Sometimes I dont like reality, but he gave it someone else straight no chaser. It wasn't meant for me, but I took stuff from it anyway. It like showed me..that if i like someone, i need to realize i'm never going to get them. Well he knows what I'm talking about. I mean me having these feelings for someone, only put strain on things. For me to truly come out of the gloomy, sad state, I need to realize what's best for me. Sometimes believing in this fairy tale, and thinking of maybe just once it'll happen is = BULLSHIT.

Sidebar= I've been acting like i moved on and everything, well up until 5 minutes ago, I didn't. I was still looming in the "What If" stage. What if ******* wanted me, or what if ...etc. For the sake of my well being, and for me to be able to enjoy my teenage years, I need to face the facts. I will never have what I want. Aha, WARNING CORNY THING AHEAD: "Remember those walls I built, well baby I should knock them down". Get it, "halo" by B? whatevv..jerk. But really I've centered my everything around what I wanted. For my well being, I should get over myself, and see thee bigger picture.

It maybe hard sometimes to not go back where I was but truth is I need to not.

Happy

So maybe my life is going where I want it to go right now. At least for right now, and maybe I just got some great news. Whew. I'm so excited, I cant even blog, i'll explain later.

Nervous about what?

Goodmorning..even though it's 1:32 in the afternoon. I was reading catcher&the rye last night. It was good. I just woke up, my mother called me asking could I make sweet potato's& chocolate chip muffins again. aha, I'm a beast. mhmm.. My break is being wasted away slowly, I want excitement to hit me like a bus. No one's called me, or atleast the ones I want too, wont.lmao. It's aight tho. I've been trying to see my friend, but he's so flaky. G0sh. I haven't seen him in about a year, if thats right.dAAAmn.
Tommorow my mother and I are scheduled to go out. ..just the two of us. hmm. Thus this makes me nervous. I told you she ask's very personal questions. Our affection meter has been very low. Since I go to school in jersey, she really doesnt see me off in the morning. So no morning kisses = ( and no prayer. Well my sister prays, but the kisses would be weird. I'm more than nervous, because she picks about what I wear, and talks about how i walk. Everything she nitpick's. whatevver.. I'm really working this summer to get money to get my headshots done, & working out also to get a flat stomach.
Hay, I'm really feeling "Jai Ho" by pcd. I've been obsessed with bollywood musicals since like 5. They used to come on wybe and saturday mornings i would watch them. I didnt know what they were saying, but i would dance my ass of. I'm trying to learn the moves to jai ho as we speak. It's on my myspace, go have a listen. I just need to play it cool tommorow, i hope tommorow will bring us closer, and maybe she'll see the real me and support it. g0sh. I'm hungry, i want chinese but Idont feel like walking. even though its down the street. Let me tell you this philly has the best food ever.. it's so cheap & tasty. Fck Wawa &Chans. lmao. I love dollar hoagies and cheesesteak rolls. mhmm.. I want chicken &broccoli , homeade ice tea, french fries, and funnel cake(yes my chinese store sells that). lmao. its good too.
maybe I'll walk, i dont got my times and its raining. I need someone to walk with. though.

No Subject.

Tonight I made chocolate chip cupcakes, and pepper-onion sausage. Pretty good. I watched College hill, the flamboyant guy caught my attention. It was cool, I just hate BET, to many damn commercials.

man.. i want clear skin so bad. & maybe a little skinnier too. I'd kill for the things that they get, if i had that would you notice me?

Epic Fail.

Just fell flat on his face...again.

Restless.

It was about 2 in the morning,and I was tossing and turning in the bed trying to go to sleep. Then I went to cbs3 & read the article of my friends death. Sad.. right. Welp, I saw the video & it reminded me of my own bestfriends death. Wham!!! I was up and awake. So I grabbed my ipod nano(Rest in Peace Ipod Video) = ( and listened to some music. One song by the Cheetah Girls "Break out this box" had me. It summed up my whole outlook on life and death. The way I was thinking, I actually thought Mr.Roddy was normal for a minute. Before you get it twisted, he is, jerkface. I just thought about how life was short, and what my purpose on this earth would be. I'm a deep ass thinker.
Oh, i'm going to get on the laptop, the typing is making my mother shuffle in her sleep.

Back.. on the laptop. it's way cooler typing on here, my typing doesnt bother anyone. I can listen to my ipod, and zone out. I wish I was reading catcher and the rye. eggh.. no. My mothers being trying to have some time together for a minute. This morning, she wanted to take me Olive Garden. I've been complaining that my break sucked, and that I didnt want to go anywhere. The truth is that I cant go out to eat with her. She ask's many personal questions, and thus I always end up crying. I have a few secrets, that I try to keep guarded. I live with my sister in lindenwold to go to school, but on weekends I come home. egh, i'm always on the go. So I'm staying here in philly for the break. I want to come home though, because she doesnt let me go anywhere. ugh... But anywho not even 5 minutes after I woke up, Bamm! she hit me with a question, and thus she got frustrated when I didnt answer. truth is i do share more with friends than her, but I've tried that opening up thing with her before and it didnt work. So yeah. I just made farina, watched tv with her, and played street fighter. I'm on my bed now, listening to " What were we thinking by Joss Stone" it's really good. Kind of Climatic though, it's takes you through many emotions, listening to it with earphones enhances thee experience, cause she talks on diffrent ears. Cool right, yeahhh.. .. So I just changed my song "secret love" by jojo.

Why can i never face reality, and realize that you'll never feel for me, the same way i feel for you.. welp because where i am now, it hurts less.
So readers, dont think I'm crazy, but thats the wayy my train runs.
Sometimes I dont know why when i look at photo's of you, and or anything that reminds of you. I get this feeling, one thats half "wtf" and other"omg". I cant help, i told you i was a stupid little boy. Dont get me wrong, I dont like you, atleast I hope i dont. I just cant take the feeling of not having something. because frankly If i got you, after about a day, i wouldnt want you anymore. i just think its the feeling of not having something and wanting it. I'm confused also. Let's just say your a heartbreak, welp not that cause thats a little harsh. i know, your charming. you dont realize how many fall foryou, but yet you want one. if im not mistaken that doesnt want you. (oh yeah dont jump to conclusions, and pretend you know what im talking about cause you dont). Your charming, ha smooth talker, easy with the words. You have a whole flock following you. Yet, in my world I'm the one you want, but reality is i'm with the rest of birds cuck-cooing. I mean were in a good place right now, i mean I wish we were a little closer, over time that will happen, maybe if i wouldnt be the one to keep this friendship alive. Oh, and please dont think it's a blog to deflower you. it's my thoughts, so dont take this harshly, even though i didnt say anything harsh i think.
welp lets dote on the positve why dont we.
you make me smile. i tend to think over past conversations we had, and boy do i get bright face. I'm really grateful, we came a long way, and hopefully nothing will break us apart anymore.

Anywho let me paint you a picture: it's a lazy day, its raining and i'm listening to "warwick avenue"by duffy.. ha my own music video. "give em face kitty"..lmao

over&out.

All things that hurt.

What I am about to say isn't a quote i hope; from jay or ye. It's simply a monikor(spell check it) for my current blog: The Worst Critic is yourself. Thats real talk.

Sometimes out of nowhere, I get down. Depressed, in a trance feeling real sad. Before we Continue, I have a bad habit of noticing everything. Sometimes their are things I am not supposed to know, but i find out anyone. Usually I overhear, or i see things. Ha, talk about bad luck. I think that sometimes I have the worst. I'm naive at times. I'm smart most of the time, I have a good grip of whats going around. I need to , for my sanity.

So i know it's random, and because my dad n brother just pissed me off, I lost my train of thought, choo choo gone..ha ha get it.. but so here's the story.

I had a Bestfriend Timothy Slyvester Howe.He died.The End. No but earlier I wrote a few blogs on my myspace: i shall post them here. Voila.
This one is from Sunday, September 21, 2008.
I miss you. it's been 3 yrs. Somethings never stop reminding me of you. I remeber our silly conversations. Our songs. Your favorite foods. Your favorite colors. The weird things, you never pressured me. At first you made it seem like I was dumb , but deep down inside you knew you wanted to ask it. You been throught a lot of trouble , I was by your side. You didn't need me to prove it to you either , sometimes you took it for granted, towards the end. i think you did. atleast you know that I lovedd you. You were my bestfried , my seatbelt , my rock,. If you were here, I wouldn't need anything. Nothing at all you , just you and me against the world. These are my thoughts , I wish you were here to understand them. I nevered judged you , not once. Everything that you were capable of made me happy. You weren't going to school, I showed you the importance , You went back. That's productivity. Losing a bestfriend is like losing the one thing that made you happy on this earth. Oh god. Those two songs. And I and Dru Hill. Youre the best bestfriend ever. You became my lover later on. I lost you when things mattered the most. If you would've only listened, then you would be here. Who knows what I would've become though. I love you. Timothy Slyvester Howe. R.I.PJanuary 04 , 88- December 01, 2005

Secondly this was written April 11, 2009
It's been 4 years since you've died. Yet I'm still holding on to it. See couldn't even experience happyness. Below you can read the prologue to this blog and it will help you realize what I'm talking about. Does this make me Crazy? He died 4 yrs ago.. I still save this voice mail of his voice faithfully every 40 days , even cry when I'm listening to it. Am I crazy? Idk..On the inside, I'm a stupid , young, naive little boy who always wishes for the best, and always knows the worst. It's like everytime I get the short end of the stick. Really, I put out the most and get nothing. The one chance I get at happyness its gets taken away. This would've been like the perfect love story. It was while it lasted. I just dont know wtf happened? I come home and find out your gone.. = (Thus this & other things might've changed my out look on life and provided me with this thought: She's(all of you) (is)are always so lucky to get (it)Him. I never do.. Reallyy.. I'm tired of saying one day, it'll come. Right about now I dont care if does or not. I just cant afford to be a stupid little boy anymore. Ughh.. I have tons of problems, more than anyone should. I'm always opressed or put in a situation that I shoudlnt be put in. Whatevverr though. I'm just going to go delete those that mean nothing to me. It'll be a part too pretty soon. So check back.


So maybe I do crazy things for the sake of my sanity, doing things like that help to keep me in check. I still listen to his voice mail now & then. I think about the phone conversations that we had. I regret not going to your funeral. I miss us. I listen to our songs. I tell him new things that have been happening lately. It's pretty crazy, but like I said keeps my sane. I'm wondering if its time to move on?.. When i'm presented with things like this, I try not to think. more so i roll my eyes, and just search for my zen.
That'll do it for now.

My 1st blog evaaa..

Thus thee all imporant "random facts-that really dont make sense when said outloud" will here. Muhahah(evil laugh).
Howdy Yall. It's Thomas.(yuck my real name). Idont hate it or anything, everyone just seems to feel more comfortable calling me Tommy, Tommmayy(haha Glib), Tomcat, Tom-Tom, Tum, Tomkitty, or the ever so important "Bitch"
.....Please wait while I search for topic....3..2...1... ugh.. " Me&Love".
kayy.. btw I'm listening to Slow dance by Keri hilson.
I'm Single. Yesshh. It's not by choice, but its whatevver..
I tend to develop crushes, like alittle school girl.
I just came to term with this but its cool. I'm now aware of my foolish mistakes & i wont blame myself for these idotic decisions anymore.Even though it's so hard, not to get made or jealous of her, cause she's with him or vice versa. (If you know you'll know what I'm talking about). It's not like I go around looking, i just happen to fall very easily. I live in this world where streets are made of marshmallow, i'm allowed to wear whatever I want, eat whatever I want & theirs no problems. I'm a sensitive person, yet I wont let anybody fuck constantly with me. I always grew up confused. I was bullied when I was younger, it was something serious. Lmao. I was called everyname in the book, I was a golden child. I had more things than the next kid, because my parents worked their asses to provide. I get what I needed everytime, and sometimes what I wanted. Children found ways to get jealous, and that got to me. To this day, i doubt myself, but thats for personal reasons. Why was I confused?? Welp.. My mothers telling me not to fight in school or else I would get whooped, but yet my dad was like " Beat his ass". Thus I was confused. Whatevv though. To this day, unless you hit me, I'll walk away. hey even when I was hit, I walked away. I remember one time, I got my lip busted by this boy, who didn't like me. He was dusty, his name was Willis. he was a fcking dirtball. he punched me in my lip, i shoved him down. I walked away. I'm non-violent. I just get hype when people fck with those that I care about.

Food

• You will never understand why I love it.

It's my bestfriend when I'm down. I cry when I'm hungry, I love food. I get happy as hell when i get it. You can find me eating all the time, 24/7. Seriously, stuffing my face. It's weird cause I wont eat infront of you. The only people who know how I really eat, are my family. Really... I'm like a competitive eater. I found out that when you drink soda, before you eat , your stomach actually expands. Thus i gorge. so I can eat more. Even when my body's full, I still stuff some more. I love it. Tonight we ordered.. Mhmm Spinach & olive pizza w wings & cheeseteaks and PEPSI ughh.. love it.

It's spring break, so maybe I'll go find something to do this week. I want to go to Atlantic City & walk the boardwalk and walk on the beach with my jeans rolled up. I'm a geek, haha. whatevv.. oh yeah, I get addicted to things easily, so yeah this will probably be updated often. Check bakk.. = )