I'm in 5th period.

I should be doing number 2, but whatever. Todays a really long day for me. I want to go home and cry. My stomach hurts & I feel really stupid. This class is annoying the hell out of me. I'm really glad I dont have gym btw, fuck gym. I'm going home right after school hopefully & laying my ass down. Wtf.. i'm tired of going to philly all the time, but whatever i need a haircut so i need to go. i'm so done,ugh... home..sleepp... food.

Acid Reflux.

I wish my perscription of Acid reflux medicine didnt expire. On something serious, this shit is annoying. I'm tired of my chest feeling like I just ate sandpaper & battery acid. pshh.
I dont know how many times Miss Congeniality came on tv, but I watch it everytime.
Oh btw I'm listening to "My Moon, My man" by Feist.
On my old Ipod, before it got lost. I used to have a playlist filled with "I hate you songs". Whew I miss those days.
My 3rd marking period grades are horrible, but theres nothing I can do but continue to work my ass of in the 4th marking period.

Sometimes I wish I could get the hint. This may sound stupid, and maybe totally dumb, but whatever. I try everyday to not be the one in the negative spotlight. I dont try and walk around and be the golden boy. I just want to be remembereable(spell check). I dont want everyone in my business, nor do I want to feel like everyone else. I found out today that I became a statistic , falling in a category with 5 or 6 other people. Wtf, everything I strive for, when down the fucking drain. My best friend Shawn and I had a good conversation last night. He pretty much let me have it , he told me that I'm naive, fall for the wrong one & have the worst luck ever.lol We came to a conclusion, that maybe I should stop overthinking things so much, and happen to enjoy life the way it is.
I nap everyday when I come home from school, like faithfully. Maybe I shouldnt though, I usually wake up at like 7 or 8. Get up dance, eat, talk on the phone, homework & stretch. Stretching for me , welp Yoga, is amazingggg.. Gosh it centers me. Allows me to think things out, and enter them with a clear mind. Sometimes in the middle of class, I want to break out in downward facing dog, god. Especially hanfords class or spanish 2. wtf? and oh now I didnt fail, My first time having spanish was last year.

Also maybe I should get the hint, that when I text somebody and they dont text me back. I should text anymore. Welp with my one friend, I constantly call, trying to keep our friendship alive. After 7th period today, I realized it wasnt a healthy relationship. That person will call back saying whats up, can i see you blazayy blahh... whatever not anymore.
Oh yeah sometimes I dont get the hint & continue to fall on my face everytime. but whateva.
I lost my train of thought , cause the food is ready.
adios.

Perfect Dayy.

What a day today. It's been really good. I've seen my friends that I didnt seen in a week today. Didn't get to hang out, that sucks but whatever. I got my summer job, thus I'm really excited about that. I had a slushee from Bj's & and a sandwich from Church's Chicken. Pretty good for my first time. I'm still bumping solanges cover of "viva la vida".. So yeah. My day is excellent seriously, It's sunny. Not to mention my room was hot as hell, wtf? is was baking lmao. But whatever, got that central air. Lmao. I'm just waiting for school to be over, fck school.Lmao. I'm anticipating summer because I have something to look forward too. Whoo-hoo. This summer is mines,lol.

I'll probably blog later on tonight, because right nw, i'm gonna look for food, maybe I'll get a bowl of special k, dance to Beyonce, play street fighter, beat super mario galaxy, and phone.. check back though. = )

btw I'm probably be blogging about Beyonce later.

Pass me Bye.

i'm speechless. i'm really lackluster right now. talk to me?

Give me another week.

I enjoyed this break so much. I did things on my time.
I dont want to go back to school because I have to face the pressures of life again.egh.

Solange

is really a innovator, she covered the amazing track "Viva la Vida", I cant wait to i get a mp3 copy. I'm bumping it 24/7. She's amazing <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APgeBmmzHvA&feature=related

Best Day Ever

My mother and I had the best day ever.
Omgosh. I miss hanging out like this.
You guys dont understand.man this made my day.

Enlightned

Damn kid got some balls. Despite what I'm feeling, I must admit that it's the answer i'm looking. Matt's blog,well the part I did read was very insightful, i felt the stuff to vilmary was personal, thus i didnt read but nonetheless it provided me with thee answer I've been looking for all along. Sometimes I dont like reality, but he gave it someone else straight no chaser. It wasn't meant for me, but I took stuff from it anyway. It like showed me..that if i like someone, i need to realize i'm never going to get them. Well he knows what I'm talking about. I mean me having these feelings for someone, only put strain on things. For me to truly come out of the gloomy, sad state, I need to realize what's best for me. Sometimes believing in this fairy tale, and thinking of maybe just once it'll happen is = BULLSHIT.

Sidebar= I've been acting like i moved on and everything, well up until 5 minutes ago, I didn't. I was still looming in the "What If" stage. What if ******* wanted me, or what if ...etc. For the sake of my well being, and for me to be able to enjoy my teenage years, I need to face the facts. I will never have what I want. Aha, WARNING CORNY THING AHEAD: "Remember those walls I built, well baby I should knock them down". Get it, "halo" by B? whatevv..jerk. But really I've centered my everything around what I wanted. For my well being, I should get over myself, and see thee bigger picture.

It maybe hard sometimes to not go back where I was but truth is I need to not.

Happy

So maybe my life is going where I want it to go right now. At least for right now, and maybe I just got some great news. Whew. I'm so excited, I cant even blog, i'll explain later.

Nervous about what?

Goodmorning..even though it's 1:32 in the afternoon. I was reading catcher&the rye last night. It was good. I just woke up, my mother called me asking could I make sweet potato's& chocolate chip muffins again. aha, I'm a beast. mhmm.. My break is being wasted away slowly, I want excitement to hit me like a bus. No one's called me, or atleast the ones I want too, wont.lmao. It's aight tho. I've been trying to see my friend, but he's so flaky. G0sh. I haven't seen him in about a year, if thats right.dAAAmn.
Tommorow my mother and I are scheduled to go out. ..just the two of us. hmm. Thus this makes me nervous. I told you she ask's very personal questions. Our affection meter has been very low. Since I go to school in jersey, she really doesnt see me off in the morning. So no morning kisses = ( and no prayer. Well my sister prays, but the kisses would be weird. I'm more than nervous, because she picks about what I wear, and talks about how i walk. Everything she nitpick's. whatevver.. I'm really working this summer to get money to get my headshots done, & working out also to get a flat stomach.
Hay, I'm really feeling "Jai Ho" by pcd. I've been obsessed with bollywood musicals since like 5. They used to come on wybe and saturday mornings i would watch them. I didnt know what they were saying, but i would dance my ass of. I'm trying to learn the moves to jai ho as we speak. It's on my myspace, go have a listen. I just need to play it cool tommorow, i hope tommorow will bring us closer, and maybe she'll see the real me and support it. g0sh. I'm hungry, i want chinese but Idont feel like walking. even though its down the street. Let me tell you this philly has the best food ever.. it's so cheap & tasty. Fck Wawa &Chans. lmao. I love dollar hoagies and cheesesteak rolls. mhmm.. I want chicken &broccoli , homeade ice tea, french fries, and funnel cake(yes my chinese store sells that). lmao. its good too.
maybe I'll walk, i dont got my times and its raining. I need someone to walk with. though.

No Subject.

Tonight I made chocolate chip cupcakes, and pepper-onion sausage. Pretty good. I watched College hill, the flamboyant guy caught my attention. It was cool, I just hate BET, to many damn commercials.

man.. i want clear skin so bad. & maybe a little skinnier too. I'd kill for the things that they get, if i had that would you notice me?

Epic Fail.

Just fell flat on his face...again.

Restless.

It was about 2 in the morning,and I was tossing and turning in the bed trying to go to sleep. Then I went to cbs3 & read the article of my friends death. Sad.. right. Welp, I saw the video & it reminded me of my own bestfriends death. Wham!!! I was up and awake. So I grabbed my ipod nano(Rest in Peace Ipod Video) = ( and listened to some music. One song by the Cheetah Girls "Break out this box" had me. It summed up my whole outlook on life and death. The way I was thinking, I actually thought Mr.Roddy was normal for a minute. Before you get it twisted, he is, jerkface. I just thought about how life was short, and what my purpose on this earth would be. I'm a deep ass thinker.
Oh, i'm going to get on the laptop, the typing is making my mother shuffle in her sleep.

Back.. on the laptop. it's way cooler typing on here, my typing doesnt bother anyone. I can listen to my ipod, and zone out. I wish I was reading catcher and the rye. eggh.. no. My mothers being trying to have some time together for a minute. This morning, she wanted to take me Olive Garden. I've been complaining that my break sucked, and that I didnt want to go anywhere. The truth is that I cant go out to eat with her. She ask's many personal questions, and thus I always end up crying. I have a few secrets, that I try to keep guarded. I live with my sister in lindenwold to go to school, but on weekends I come home. egh, i'm always on the go. So I'm staying here in philly for the break. I want to come home though, because she doesnt let me go anywhere. ugh... But anywho not even 5 minutes after I woke up, Bamm! she hit me with a question, and thus she got frustrated when I didnt answer. truth is i do share more with friends than her, but I've tried that opening up thing with her before and it didnt work. So yeah. I just made farina, watched tv with her, and played street fighter. I'm on my bed now, listening to " What were we thinking by Joss Stone" it's really good. Kind of Climatic though, it's takes you through many emotions, listening to it with earphones enhances thee experience, cause she talks on diffrent ears. Cool right, yeahhh.. .. So I just changed my song "secret love" by jojo.

Why can i never face reality, and realize that you'll never feel for me, the same way i feel for you.. welp because where i am now, it hurts less.
So readers, dont think I'm crazy, but thats the wayy my train runs.
Sometimes I dont know why when i look at photo's of you, and or anything that reminds of you. I get this feeling, one thats half "wtf" and other"omg". I cant help, i told you i was a stupid little boy. Dont get me wrong, I dont like you, atleast I hope i dont. I just cant take the feeling of not having something. because frankly If i got you, after about a day, i wouldnt want you anymore. i just think its the feeling of not having something and wanting it. I'm confused also. Let's just say your a heartbreak, welp not that cause thats a little harsh. i know, your charming. you dont realize how many fall foryou, but yet you want one. if im not mistaken that doesnt want you. (oh yeah dont jump to conclusions, and pretend you know what im talking about cause you dont). Your charming, ha smooth talker, easy with the words. You have a whole flock following you. Yet, in my world I'm the one you want, but reality is i'm with the rest of birds cuck-cooing. I mean were in a good place right now, i mean I wish we were a little closer, over time that will happen, maybe if i wouldnt be the one to keep this friendship alive. Oh, and please dont think it's a blog to deflower you. it's my thoughts, so dont take this harshly, even though i didnt say anything harsh i think.
welp lets dote on the positve why dont we.
you make me smile. i tend to think over past conversations we had, and boy do i get bright face. I'm really grateful, we came a long way, and hopefully nothing will break us apart anymore.

Anywho let me paint you a picture: it's a lazy day, its raining and i'm listening to "warwick avenue"by duffy.. ha my own music video. "give em face kitty"..lmao

over&out.

All things that hurt.

What I am about to say isn't a quote i hope; from jay or ye. It's simply a monikor(spell check it) for my current blog: The Worst Critic is yourself. Thats real talk.

Sometimes out of nowhere, I get down. Depressed, in a trance feeling real sad. Before we Continue, I have a bad habit of noticing everything. Sometimes their are things I am not supposed to know, but i find out anyone. Usually I overhear, or i see things. Ha, talk about bad luck. I think that sometimes I have the worst. I'm naive at times. I'm smart most of the time, I have a good grip of whats going around. I need to , for my sanity.

So i know it's random, and because my dad n brother just pissed me off, I lost my train of thought, choo choo gone..ha ha get it.. but so here's the story.

I had a Bestfriend Timothy Slyvester Howe.He died.The End. No but earlier I wrote a few blogs on my myspace: i shall post them here. Voila.
This one is from Sunday, September 21, 2008.
I miss you. it's been 3 yrs. Somethings never stop reminding me of you. I remeber our silly conversations. Our songs. Your favorite foods. Your favorite colors. The weird things, you never pressured me. At first you made it seem like I was dumb , but deep down inside you knew you wanted to ask it. You been throught a lot of trouble , I was by your side. You didn't need me to prove it to you either , sometimes you took it for granted, towards the end. i think you did. atleast you know that I lovedd you. You were my bestfried , my seatbelt , my rock,. If you were here, I wouldn't need anything. Nothing at all you , just you and me against the world. These are my thoughts , I wish you were here to understand them. I nevered judged you , not once. Everything that you were capable of made me happy. You weren't going to school, I showed you the importance , You went back. That's productivity. Losing a bestfriend is like losing the one thing that made you happy on this earth. Oh god. Those two songs. And I and Dru Hill. Youre the best bestfriend ever. You became my lover later on. I lost you when things mattered the most. If you would've only listened, then you would be here. Who knows what I would've become though. I love you. Timothy Slyvester Howe. R.I.PJanuary 04 , 88- December 01, 2005

Secondly this was written April 11, 2009
It's been 4 years since you've died. Yet I'm still holding on to it. See couldn't even experience happyness. Below you can read the prologue to this blog and it will help you realize what I'm talking about. Does this make me Crazy? He died 4 yrs ago.. I still save this voice mail of his voice faithfully every 40 days , even cry when I'm listening to it. Am I crazy? Idk..On the inside, I'm a stupid , young, naive little boy who always wishes for the best, and always knows the worst. It's like everytime I get the short end of the stick. Really, I put out the most and get nothing. The one chance I get at happyness its gets taken away. This would've been like the perfect love story. It was while it lasted. I just dont know wtf happened? I come home and find out your gone.. = (Thus this & other things might've changed my out look on life and provided me with this thought: She's(all of you) (is)are always so lucky to get (it)Him. I never do.. Reallyy.. I'm tired of saying one day, it'll come. Right about now I dont care if does or not. I just cant afford to be a stupid little boy anymore. Ughh.. I have tons of problems, more than anyone should. I'm always opressed or put in a situation that I shoudlnt be put in. Whatevverr though. I'm just going to go delete those that mean nothing to me. It'll be a part too pretty soon. So check back.


So maybe I do crazy things for the sake of my sanity, doing things like that help to keep me in check. I still listen to his voice mail now & then. I think about the phone conversations that we had. I regret not going to your funeral. I miss us. I listen to our songs. I tell him new things that have been happening lately. It's pretty crazy, but like I said keeps my sane. I'm wondering if its time to move on?.. When i'm presented with things like this, I try not to think. more so i roll my eyes, and just search for my zen.
That'll do it for now.

My 1st blog evaaa..

Thus thee all imporant "random facts-that really dont make sense when said outloud" will here. Muhahah(evil laugh).
Howdy Yall. It's Thomas.(yuck my real name). Idont hate it or anything, everyone just seems to feel more comfortable calling me Tommy, Tommmayy(haha Glib), Tomcat, Tom-Tom, Tum, Tomkitty, or the ever so important "Bitch"
.....Please wait while I search for topic....3..2...1... ugh.. " Me&Love".
kayy.. btw I'm listening to Slow dance by Keri hilson.
I'm Single. Yesshh. It's not by choice, but its whatevver..
I tend to develop crushes, like alittle school girl.
I just came to term with this but its cool. I'm now aware of my foolish mistakes & i wont blame myself for these idotic decisions anymore.Even though it's so hard, not to get made or jealous of her, cause she's with him or vice versa. (If you know you'll know what I'm talking about). It's not like I go around looking, i just happen to fall very easily. I live in this world where streets are made of marshmallow, i'm allowed to wear whatever I want, eat whatever I want & theirs no problems. I'm a sensitive person, yet I wont let anybody fuck constantly with me. I always grew up confused. I was bullied when I was younger, it was something serious. Lmao. I was called everyname in the book, I was a golden child. I had more things than the next kid, because my parents worked their asses to provide. I get what I needed everytime, and sometimes what I wanted. Children found ways to get jealous, and that got to me. To this day, i doubt myself, but thats for personal reasons. Why was I confused?? Welp.. My mothers telling me not to fight in school or else I would get whooped, but yet my dad was like " Beat his ass". Thus I was confused. Whatevv though. To this day, unless you hit me, I'll walk away. hey even when I was hit, I walked away. I remember one time, I got my lip busted by this boy, who didn't like me. He was dusty, his name was Willis. he was a fcking dirtball. he punched me in my lip, i shoved him down. I walked away. I'm non-violent. I just get hype when people fck with those that I care about.

Food

• You will never understand why I love it.

It's my bestfriend when I'm down. I cry when I'm hungry, I love food. I get happy as hell when i get it. You can find me eating all the time, 24/7. Seriously, stuffing my face. It's weird cause I wont eat infront of you. The only people who know how I really eat, are my family. Really... I'm like a competitive eater. I found out that when you drink soda, before you eat , your stomach actually expands. Thus i gorge. so I can eat more. Even when my body's full, I still stuff some more. I love it. Tonight we ordered.. Mhmm Spinach & olive pizza w wings & cheeseteaks and PEPSI ughh.. love it.

It's spring break, so maybe I'll go find something to do this week. I want to go to Atlantic City & walk the boardwalk and walk on the beach with my jeans rolled up. I'm a geek, haha. whatevv.. oh yeah, I get addicted to things easily, so yeah this will probably be updated often. Check bakk.. = )