growth.

has changed so much.
Things to write about.

Wow; it's been a minute.
I should update this more often, it's veryyy stress relieving =)
Hehe;

Life.

I couldn't find a more suitable title. Something to describe my current state of mind and my thirst for more knowledge. I walked into the media center to catch up on some work( which at this moment I should be doing); something or someone tell me why I'm not.. Anywho I saw something about Beyonce that caught my eye; of course I love her why not. Thus; I read about her situation about postponing concerts due to strict religious laws forced over there in Malaysia. It makes me wonder, some people are a product of their enviroment. America is a really great place; sometimes people act like it's not but man it's really wonderful. I really dont have alife of poverty but my undying need to care and give help to those who suffer will never STOP! I'm at a crossrods with myself; but I'll just pray that thee almighty god will make things better. He Will! These countrys suck man. But on another note, i read about muslim life & thee quran. Wtf; it's so freaking complex. Funny thing is it's all in vain( so says my mother); I mean it is. But do we all really know why were here? Of course god put us here; but come on.. To sit and to think and meditate upon things is enough to make one go wild. My mind is going crazy.. I'll finish this later

Wishing and Waiting.

In life I dont normally ask for much at all. I never really ask, I kind of never was the type to ask. Especially in my household, my mother usually has to bombard me with questions and sometimes forcefully hold me and ask me what I need. I usually go for it myself ; and if its offered I take it.

So Recently I moved back to Philadelphia; and honest to god. I'm kind of 50/50 about it. I mean theirs a whole stress thing taken off my shoulder. My sister, even though she's a grown woman. Sometimes wasnt able to feel validated or able to make a decision without the consult of my mother. Something as tedious as washing clothes shouldnt worry me but yet I spent my jr years wondering how I was going to wash my cheerleading uniform. I knew she worked constantly to make ends meet, but it was up to me to handle mines. Slowly I did, by saving my money just to run downstairs and wash my clothes. Yeah; I didnt like it because I preferred my mother and fathers washing machine. haha; gets the job done but anywho. Being in jersey, if I could change one thing, it would be the fact that my sister really didnt grow up when she made the decision to move. She got married way too fast; pregnant fast and things changed. I mean I love her to death, dont get me wrong but she sometimes got angry at me for asking for the basic neccesities.
but in the end it was a good experiece.
Me and friends; god. i usually had 1 good friend in school. No Bestfriend and coming to jersey: I made some friendships that'll i hold to the grave.
The School opened a window of oppurtunity for me and gave me the resources to express myself; academically and artistically. Sometimes I did poorly though but you live and learn; and I kind of learned.

I finally wasn't asking myself anymore and realized I was doing things that I loved since I was little. haha;

But now I'm back in philadelphia and god the resources are awful. My mother prevents me from going out; so that means no theatre , no cheerleading, no chance to tumble, and no chance for a relationship.
I constantly face so many obstacles living here; I learned to start asking again only to be shot down. I dont ask for outlandish stuff; I ask for things that would better me as a person.

Okay; so I'm getting tired. I'll post a part two with more in-depth look at me.
maybe i'll cover my goals; my dreams(nocturnal & and my fairy tale like ones), my self esteem and romance.Deff.
Night; stay blessed.

Smash into you.

I need my ipod.
The bad thing is that all my clothes ; and or prized possessions are in jersey.
Thus my ipod cord is there. Moving is tough.
God ; you.
I feel alittle weird after yesterday night; those text's.
who knows ; i'm off.
gotta go back to jersey to get the rest of my stuff.

Ave Maria.

She was lost.....just like him. Him. He's always lost ; and had many people to guide him.
First and Foremost ; the song will not describe this blog; i just love singing thee high notes at the end. A more crazy song would be suitable for this.

I'll start right here ;
So i received 11 messages from you; spewing your hate-flame this way. I have tough skin when it comes to dickheads; I usually blow them off.
You've stood by me and let me talk shit on you for no reason. To you it might've seem like no reason. to me it was only suitable. So what you read bulletins;blogs;updates. Congrat's, i'll bake you some cookies. Didnt know you could read with all those tears in your eyes.
I constantly trash you over the dumbest stuff ; maybe. Not Really! Everything I did had a purpose. You did nothing to try and maintain a friendship. Your way of thinking is so "serial-killer esque". Honestly ; I didnt do it or they deserved it. Dumbass.
Hey ; i applaud you for trying tell people off when they talked about me. I would never throw that in your face ; friends dont. If it was real ; you would've never. You probably laughed; and then defended me. Idc though. It probably was girls.
I wish you could see what I see. Your just a big lanky flirt who goes to the one girl who treats you like poo. When problems not concerning her arise ; I'll tend to them. I did everyother time. So excuse the hell out of me for not caring about what "some leech" did you. I'm glad i affected your life good and bad. Right now ;I only care about the bad, that's the vindictive side.
egh; so you think me for always being there. Mhm.
An occasional text message would suffice ; never got that.
I was always there ; always! My friendship was with your voicemail.
Idk wht the fck you were supposed to do either.
I dont like you anymore; i got over that a long long time ago.
If this friendship is real and true ; then why dont i get credit.
We never hung out. You're a straight male, but do all the girls gotta get credit.
Is it because you like every single one. or maybe your a sexist discriminant.
yeah ; when you depressed i feel good. this way i know your human.
Okay ; so maybe you looked completely stupid.
this wasnt a real friendship ; we could go days without texting each other ; and occasional call.
I expected so much from you ; that from one point. When I realized it would never be ; i snapped.
Usually my love turns into anger ; ask my mother. She experienced it 1st hand.
and a whole host of best friends. Cant help it.
what you may see as something that was never mean to intentionally hurt me ; hurt me.
They all got more attention ; and i got none.
here's your space to justify that claim :______________________________________.
Knock yourself out. I cant wait to hear some bullshitty excuse.
You constantly fed me bullshit ; and i dont want to wait around for it to stink anymore.

at this point i'm speechless.
I'm not saying sorry.
idk what to say.

you.

I know I promised you a blog.
not tonight.
I'm way to tired to fight with you.
maybe I'll rip you a new one tommorow.
goodnight.
p.s. Fuck you Still asshole.